A couple of people asked me if I still do the random thought of the day. At the time, I thought they were idiots. Especially the dude, cause his girlfriend was this really dumb stripper slut. But, then I was visited by God, and he told he if I didn't write more random thoughts, he would turn my penis into a sweet potato. I don't even like sweet potatoes. So, this one goes out to the big G-man in the sky. Thanks, God, for leaving my penis a penis.
Random thought(s) of a raving lunatic:
3/24/2003
Every Christmas and every birthday I've ever had has been disappointing, because I've never received a helper monkey as a gift.
I suppose I'll have to buy one myself. I'm leaning towards a new world monkey with a prehensile tail.
If you'd like to sell your spider monkey, email me. I only have one requirement: he needs to be smart enought to clean my dishes (and not like a half assed golden lion marmoset dish washing).
3/25
Am I the only one that can't say the word "pianist" and keep a straight face? It's just not possible.
Along those lines, the funniest musical instrument ever made has to be the didgeridoo.
Everything about it is pathetically funny. Why would an aborigine learn the didgeridoo, when he could instead punch a koala bear in the stomach?
It seems like that would make a better sound (I'm thinking Pillsbury dough boy mixed with coyote howl).
3/26
At some point in my life, I'd like to urinate in at least 6 of the 7 seas.
All the same, I think I'd probably rather not piss in the Arctic Ocean.
Well, maybe I could write my name on an iceberg. That'd be pretty cool (or downright cold, as the case may be).
3/27
If I had a big ass bamboo cane and a time machine, I'm not sure who I'd beat first - the guy who invented fortune cookies or the person who invented duck sauce.
Fortune cookies aren't cookies, and they never have fortunes.
It's always some stupid crap like "sometimes it warm when sun is shining." Thanks, Confucius for that pearl of wisdom.
Nearest I can tell, duck sauce has no ducks in it. I have yet to find any kind of water fowl in there at all.
Couldn't they at least have named it after something the right color, like "Japanese guy kicked in the balls 14 times sauce?"
I assume a Japanese guy kicked in the balls 14 times would be of an orangish hue. That probably makes me a racist, but I'm not sure.
3/28
Someone told me the other day that they lost their ass in Vegas. You've got to be pretty damn stupid to lose your ass.
I mean, my ass is pretty well attached and not going anywhere. I can't even imagine how many drinks you would need to forget where your ass is.
I don't think I've ever been that drunk (which is saying something).
3/30
Honey = Good. Mustard = Good.
Why is it that honey mustard sucks?
Seriously, shouldn't some culinary wizard somewhere have figured out how to combine two good condiments into one remotely enjoyable condiment?
I think we all know who's to blame, the damn French Communist Party. Nothing good has ever came from a red frog.
4/3
I can't really explain why I've never set a forest fire.
I've been in lots of forests. I was always sort of a pyro growing up (like all boy scouts).
Really seems like it should've happened at some point. I'm not sure if I'm disappointed or happy about this.
4/6
Why don't they make alarm clocks that have built in pencil sharpeners? It seems like that would be useful.
I also would like to see an alarm clock VCR toaster GPS receiver. A flashlight telephone would also be good.
But, seriously, I wouldn't spend money on any of that crap. Especially a VCR toaster.
4/7
Is it illegal to mount a howitzer on a vehicle? I imagine it probably is, but it'd be a pretty cool thing to have.
I've never been in a situation where I needed a howitzer, but I think it'd look pretty cool.
You wouldn't cut off someone with a top-mounted tank gun, right? I would have permanent right of way.
I think I'd load the thing with lots of confetti, and shoot it off whenever there was a sizable crowd that looked like it wanted to party. I would be the King of New Years Eve.
I probably would also be fined for littering, noise pollution, and having an illegal big ass tank gun without the proper permit. Why does the man always gotta put me down?
4/8
What's the difference between a barn and a shed?
Is a barn bigger? Does a barn have to be in the country? Does it have livestock?
I would like to have a barn, but I'm not sure how to have a barn that's not really a shed. I also don't want livestock in this barn
4/13
I think paintball would be a lot better if it was played at night with balls made of that stuff they put in glowsticks.
This stuff really doesn't get used near as much as it should.
I know if they made marshmallow cream that color, I would buy much more marshmallow cream. I don't think I'd eat it, because I'm pretty sure that stuff would give me cancer.
4/17
Who was the brilliant man that coined the name eggplant? I've never seen the actual plant that eggplants come from, but I've seen a assload of eggs.
They're not purple, their shells are much harder, and when you eat them, you don't usually feel like you made a mistake.
I can't think of a single reason anyone would ever want an eggplant. Unless it was some kind of anti-Italian political statement (and garlic would be better there).
If and when I have kids, if I ever see them eating eggplant, I'm gonna disinherit them.
4/18
If I ate a whole lot of gold dust (or gold flakes), would it be possible to shit a gold brick?
Is there a market for ornamental gold turds? Someone's bound to pay me big money for one of those rare babies, right?
Especially if it hurts half as bad as I think hatching a gold turd would. How much would a gold kidney stone be worth?
4/28
Does it make me cruel if I'd like to punch a sea manatee in the face just to see how it reacts?
It's not that I want to hurt it, but I bet it would have a real funny reaction.
I bet it wouldn't be too much fun to punch a walrus in the face (what with the tusks and all)
4/29
It dawns on me that I've never started a big bonfire with old furniture. I've got rid of enough bad furniture, and started enough large fires, that you'd think they would have ran into each other at some point.
I'm of the opinion that the best place to light old furniture on fire is on a beach at night. Of course, you start lighting beach bonfires at night, you better have a keg and some music, because a party is bound to erupt.
Too bad I don't live near any beaches, cause I'd like to light a couch on fire right about now.
4/30
I would like to try some camel meat at some point.
I don't know why, but a camel burger just seems like a kick ass thing to eat.
I want a slice of meat right out of the hump, that's probably where the real good parts are.
5/5
I don't really think the world is any better off with the invention of pants.
Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with the whole underwear gig (gotta protect the bits and pieces), but I just don't understand the rest of it.
If it's real cold outside, I think a trench coat would be just fine.
Of course, pants seem like a good idea when you think the alternative might be kilts (damn the Scottish).
5/6
When I hear that Usama Bin Laden might be in a cave in Afghanistan, it makes me wish I lived in a place that had a lot of caves nearby.
I'm not saying I'd want to live in Afghanistan (I'd rather have my nuts chewed on by an elk), but it would be a kick ass place to spend a night every once in a while.
Of course, this is only applies to caves never occupied by a bunch of filthy, stinky Arabs and Afghans. Those caves must smell like ass about now.
If I could rewrite the Koran, I'd put a lot more about taking showers, and a lot less about treating women worse than you'd treat a camel.
I would also like to see a little less about killing the white man. Instead, they could kill their brain cells with alcohol.
I really should make my own religion someday when I get lots of free time (like when I'm chilling out in my cave).
5/8
How long can a jar of strawberry preserves sit in the back of a fridge and not turn bad?
Seriously, I need to know, because I just ate some the other day that I've had for at least 3 years, and I'm kinda surprised I don't have food poisoning right now.
Any kind of food that can sit around open for 3 years and still be fine really scares the hell out of me.
What the hell is in the stuff that I'm not keeling over a toilet right now? I guess they're called preserves, but hell, this is just ridiculous.
As long as we're on the subject, the preserves were really good on some biscuits. I ate biscuits and jelly for lunch. That's just plain retarded. I didn't pay for the biscuits, and I don't remember paying for the jelly. I'm probably the cheapest guy you know. I need a job.
5/12
I found out where they're keeping all the jobs. In Las Colinas. I should've known.
There apparently are two more jobs there then in the entire rest of the Dallas area.
It won't be long before I get to eat my lunch sitting on top of some stone mustangs staring at an abandoned monorail.
I either got a job there because of this stupid website or because I'm an Eagle Scout. God, I hope it's the Eagle Scout thing. I actually felt a sense of accomplishment when I did that.
5/16
It seems like god really botched it when he made the coconut. Everything about it is completely wrong.
Who really wants a hard, hairy shelled fruit. Especially when the inside is hard as hell to eat, and comes with a bunch of liquid in the center.
I challenge anyone to name one good thing that comes with a bunch of liquid in the center, besides the saguaro cactus or the really hot chick that just drank a lot of water. It can't be done, because liquid centers are just plain unnatural.
The more you think about it, the only fruit that seems like it was made right was the nectarine. Hell, even the mango has a big ass seed that has another big ass seed inside of it. What's the deal with the 2 big ass seeds? This survival of the fittest bullshit seemed to go wrong somewhere.
5/22
I've determined that the 3 funniest animals to watch having sex are (1) the duck billed platypus, (2) the beaver, and (3) the blue whale.
You know w platypus is gonna do something funny, like cover it's mate with mud and straw while making weird gurgling sounds. I mean, come on, platypi are just damn weird. You know, like people from Bangladesh are just damn weird. Seriously, go meet a Bengali dude, they've got issues.
And how does a male beaver mount the female, and get past that huge freakin' tail? (you know, to get to the beaver's, um, beaver?)
And then anything as huge as a blue whale having sex has to be both disgusting and funny. I have a theory that blue whale fornication is the real cause of the world's typhoons and hurricanes. They might also be responsible for cursing the world with this NASCAR ® crap, but that's still a work in progress.
6/16
Today I took a big dump in an executive bathroom, and it was pretty cool. They had fancy wall tiles, and magazines all around.
But, I was disappointed they didn't have any of those sanitary ass-guards. Every public toilet should have sanitary ass-guards. We all know that executives piss on the toilet seat too.
I imagine your haughty taughty vice presidents are the worst at pissing on the toilet seat. They're just way too busy to aim or clean up. Cleaning the toilet is the brown man's job. Damn rich racist assholes. I should have taken the dump in their rich racist overpriced sink.
I'm likely going back up to the executive level to steal some fruit. Crazy bastards have it just laying around up there. Right next to M&Ms and goldfish crackers. Like they can't afford their own snacks.
6/17
It occurs to me that the only parts of me to ever be in a shoe are my feet and my hands.
That's probably a good thing, because I don't imagine much good could come from inserting a penis into some footwear. Unless a sock counts as footwear.
9/21
I think the movie "Army of Darkness taught us two real important lessons:
1) You should always have a chainsaw handy in case you get stuck in the middle ages and need to fight an army of the undead. And...
2) Women will always eventually turn into evil zombie bitches and try to kill you.
It makes me sad that I've never seen a poodle get a haircut with a chainsaw. There's another thing to put on my list of things to do before I die. Like throw dog turds at a gorilla and force feed a burrito to a three toed sloth (if no sloth available, willing to substitute elderly German woman).
9/22
I'm thinking I should start a rubber band collection, just because it's gonna really piss somebody off when I die and I leave them that (and nothing else) in my will.
I also might leave somebody 4 used D batteries and all the uneaten fruit in my fridge (unless there's a pineapple. That's getting buried with me).
Does this seem to be missing an introduction? Maybe you should be looking somewhere else.