Random thought(s) of the day:
If I had to be a camel, I would be a bactrian camel, instead of a Dromedary.
They have twice the humps, and a much better hump to stomach ratio of 2:3.
9/11
I bet Bill Gates has more distant cousins than anyone else in the country.
If I met him, I would tell him I was his third cousin, and I need help paying my college tuition.
I would also tell him that I love MicroSoft.
9/12
Allsport was the greatest sports drink of all time.
The fact that Gatorade can sell poorly-flavored water, and Pepsi couldn’t sell Allsport is proof that the
average consumer is dumber than a stump.
I mean, even Shaq endorsed Allsport - how could anybody say no to Shaq?
9/16
If by some quirk of fate I was forced to live the rest of my life as a monkey, I would want to be a ring-tailed lemur.
That way, I could live in Brasíl, and dance the samba.
Also, I could learn jiujitsu and become the ultimate fighting champion. That’d be sweet.
9/17
It’s been years since I’ve been on a bus, and I can’t say that I miss it.
But, I do miss getting to ride the E-train in Chicago.
Chicago rules.Chicago style pizza also rules.
Jerry Reinsdorf sucks.
9/18
Instead of using spackling to patch a wall, I want to build an entire wall out of spackling.
I’m not sure what I’d do if I ever had a hole in the wall. How would you spackle a wall of spackle?
9/19-20
If I was a bass player in a band, I would play a 5 string bass, just so it’d look like I was a kick-ass bassist and I knew what I was doing.
If I was playing guitar, I might use a 7 or 12 string guitar (but everyone would still know I sucked, because they could hear how bad I was).
No one ever really knows if a bass player sucks, cause who ever really listens to the bass player?
9/23
I think it would be really funny if they put Jabba in the next Star Wars, only he was wearing a Princess Leia-Return of the Jedi style bikini.
But, I guess Jabba would need some tits before he wore a bikini.
Shouldn’t someone as fat as Jabba have tits? I’d be pretty pissed off too if I was a titless worm.
9/25
If I was a carpenter, I would try to start a trend by never, ever using wood glue.
I’ve used many different glues in a great many different ways, but wood glue has to be the worst of the bunch.
Also, glue sticks are for the weak of mind. The world would be better off without them.
9/27
If I was trapped on a desert island that had exactly one tree, I would hope that tree was a mango tree.
I’d also hope I had a knife to peel the mangoes.
Some sort of fishing equipment and a container to catch fresh water when it rained would also be nice.
And a volleyball, and figure skates... Maybe a canoe or an Apache helicopter too.
9/30
The only thing better than a Hawaii vacation, would be a free stay in Hawaii at one of those
leper colonies.
Unfortunately, I’d have to come down with leprosy first to stay there.
10/1
If and when I take my hot air balloon journey around the world, I will make sure to take lots of marshmallows to roast on the burner.
I also would bring some graham crackers and a few Hershey bars. I would have myself a s’more-tastic good time.
10/7
Should I ever find a sleeping giraffe in my backyard (assuming I had a backyard), I would smear peanut butter all over it’s face.
The only thing funnier than a giraffe sticking out it’s huge black tongue might very well be a crazy, pissed
off giraffe that can’t get all the peanut butter off it’s face.
At least, it’d be funny until the property damage starts.
10/8
Sometimes I wish I had a bandleader/sidekick like Paul Schaffer or Kevin Eubanks to laugh at my jokes and encourage my stupid antics.
It would also be cool to have a cheerleading squad to wave their pom poms and root me on.
After I make my third million, I’ll make sure to hire both. I’m now taking
applications.
10/9
I’d be willing to bet there are a lot of alarm clocks in Hell.
Somehow they found the most annoying sound in the world, and it’s used in alarm clocks.
10/10
How would I go about getting my own personal Pope-mobile?
Who makes these things? Could I get one of those things specially made for me?
If so, I would get a red Popemobile convertible with a leather Lazy Boy recliner Pope-chair.
The ladies wouldn’t be able to resist. (I bet old John Paul has to beat them away with his Pope-staff).
10/11
The human race will someday be destroyed by a superior alien race because we allow ourselves to eat white grapes and red plums, when we could just as easily eat the better red grapes or black plums.
Why don’t people understand that darker fruit is better? Unless its bananas.
Superior Alien races understand these things.
10/15
If a monkey found his way to Bourbon Street and tried to order some Hurricanes, would he be served?
Regardless of whether he had an ID or money, you would have to serve a monkey with the ability to order drinks, wouldn’t you?
As a side note, if I ever get any sort of monkey, I will teach him to play Frisbee golf. He would be the greatest monkey since King Kong.
10/17
If I ever have to lose a kidney, I hope it’s my left kidney.
I have no particular reason for this, but it just seems like a kidney should be on the right side.
A liver, of course, should be on the left. I figure the closer my liver is to my heart, the faster alcohol enters the blood stream. That’s a good thing.
10/18
If I ever find myself stuck in the Outback without anything to do, I would like to try to get some kangaroos drunk.
How funny would an intoxicated marsupial be? Pretty damn funny, that’s for sure.
How many Fosters could a kangaroo drink? I would guess 6 or 8.
If this didn’t work, I would work on getting some Aborigines drunk. No doubt that’d be funny too.
10/21
It’s probably a good thing I don’t have a bullet proof vest, because then I would be trying to get as many people to shoot me in the chest as possible, and that seems like a really bad idea.
I might not mind bullet proof glass in my truck, though.
10/22
Even if I could dance, I’m fairly certain that I wouldn’t want to.
At least, not when I’m sober.
10/24
I think it would be really funny to teach a baby hippo to breast feed from a miniature poodle.
I could take bets on which would die first, the hippo from malnutrition, or the poodle from suckling a huge ass hippo.
Do you think you could teach a hippo to roll over or catch a Frisbee? Would you want to?
10/30
I’ve looted and I’ve pillaged, but I’ve never both looted and pillaged (at the same
time).
Sadly, I feel my prime looting and pillaging days are behind me, so I probably never will.
11/4
Few things are as perversely entertaining as the feeling of wasabi shooting up your nose when eating sushi.
Someday, I may have to snort some wasabi, just to see how enjoyable the pain could be.
Hopefully, it won’t lead to a fatal seizure (although that would make a funny story to tell to Saint Peter).
11/11
If I ever find myself getting ready to enter a boxing ring, I’ll eat a mouthful of habañero peppers.
That way, when I get punched in the face, I won’t feel a thing. Of course, it’ll feel like my head is on the
ground staring at my body.
That might make it hard to concentrate.
11/13
Next time I meet a really, really short person, I’m gonna call them "Too Tall."
If they have a problem with this, I’ll dropkick them across the room Jim McMahon style.
12/16
I would like to see an Orangutan fight a hippopotamus, if nothing else, just because they have really cool names.
The cunning guile of an orange ape vs. the slobbenly angry African river beast.
I would also give the orangutan a big stick and the hippo a miner’s helmet.
1/20/2003
I just quit my job today.
That's the joke.
I don't have another job to fall back on.
I'm a bum. But, I'm a hard working bum (believe it or not) who could very easily put your company/business on the fast track to the Fortune 500.
Seriously, you can't afford not to hire me.
Even just to walk your dog.
I swear I'm good with dogs. Except for poodles. They piss me off. Don't shave a dog like he's a piece of art.